This weekend was not what I had expected. I was expecting a calm and subtly romantic weekend. It started out that way, but certainly did not end up that way. I came expecting to loose my virginity. Apparently, that was not good enough. I am glad I did not loose my virginity to him, because he was selfish. He enjoyed making me cum everywhere, he enjoyed me begging him to stop because he had control over pleasuring me. I enjoyed getting head, but not getting head and being teased with the idea of having sex. What I realized this weekend is what a big deal sex is. It seems like it isn’t, but it really is. Every single relation I have had with a male has ended because of sex or sex related issues.
Nolan - First kiss with at 12 years old, wanted to do more
Jason - More of a friend than a boyfriend, but I cared about him a lot
Sam - What I identify with as my true love; almost lost virginity to at 13 years old
Che - Ex boyfriend and best friend who wanted me to have sex with him at 16
Boris - Asked me out and said just kidding; September then asking me for sex
Sina - Have feelings for but doesn’t want to have sex until marriage
Azad - Said I was too happy
David - Has had feelings for on and off and vice versa; recently told me he’s been in love with me for 5 years
Oliver - Liked him in middle school, got mega hot in summer but didn’t do anything about it
Austin E - Had feelings for but did not return them
Derwyn - Had feelings for but did not return them but it seemed as if he did genuinely liked me… but then he was gay with Zack, whoops!
Zack - Sexual tensions with but not real feelings for
Austin B - Had feelings for, have head/gave head to, talked about sex, didn’t have it
So as you can see, the trends here is that sex is everything.
I feel anxious about my virginity because everyone around me isn’t a virgin and I can’t keep pretending I am not one in order to not feel socially retarded. It stresses me out a lot. I think that’s what happened with the Austin situation, I saw an opportunity to loose my virginity in a fail proof situation: Loose my virginity to someone that cares about who I will never see again
But upon this weekend, I realized that was selling myself short. Austin expected me to emotionally fill a lot of holes in his life. He wanted me to fill the I’m poor hole, I have daddy issues hole, I have mommy issues hole, I am fat hole, I can’t be successful because of these holes hole.
What I learned from this is to plan ahead, and to make use of the time I have in college to ensure that I have something lined up after college. I don’t want to be like him, sitting in a frat house after college with nothing to do and no direction to turn to. What I learned is not to settle just because someone gives you attention. They should have to work for it. What I learned from this is to not listen to word of mouth, to confront the issue; even if the person lies, at least you know you had the balls to ask that. What I learned from this is to count your blessings. I am sexier than I thought I was. I have more sexual power than I thought I had…I probably am more kinky than someone who has had sex. I am a lot stronger physically than I thought I was, and a lot stronger mentally than I thought I was.
A part of me feels as if I’m faking the recovery process. But that part is like 5% of me. I feel 95% over him. What Jordie said that started to actually show itself is that after a while, I realized that he could do nothing for me. And I started to understand my dad and his rants about penises. That Austin could only offer me a penis. And he knew that. And he realized that I didn’t know what I was doing and instead of manipulating me, he saved me from having a probably damaging sex life. So for that, I thank him. But otherwise, I do not thank him for this weekend. The good times we spent together were nice, but more and more I am starting to see the bad in people. This is a good thing: I have finally learned to embrace both good and bad elements of people.
Not just of people, but of myself. I have learned how to scrutinize myself and fix my errors. I attribute that to my academic success of this semester. I worked hard. I played hard too, but I worked harder. I went to class. I went to the gym. I tried not to get sick. When I felt sick, I called for help. I went to people for help. I was not afraid to ask for help.
Socially, I was better off this semester. I clicked with real people. Not people who just wanted to be hella drunk all the time. I made bonds and friendships with people that I feel can only get deeper with time. I learned, through Austin, to open up again. Even though he did say some hurtful things, I opened myself completely to him. Sometimes, I feel as if I can’t do this again, but I know it is in my nature to. I am a lover, not a fighter.
I feel a lot better writing this out. And I feel a lot better knowing I made the right decision to end it. I am going to live out my summer. I hope Mei Ling lets me work at Kaiser in the summer instead of at Fund for the Public Interest. I am really working hard to make this UEP/Public Health occupation a reality. I need to read more and watch more documentaries about issues in the Los Angeles area. I need to also dedicate 20- 30 minutes a day to reading the news. I feel like that will only strengthen my knowledge and understanding of the world around me.
This weekend, I feel like I grew up a lot. I feel like this weekend was almost necessary to stop me from acting so sexually toxic. When the right person comes, I will give them my virginity. I feel like my vagina has vagina dentata, it is selective and is waiting for the right man to come….but not literally cause I’m not about to get my ass preggers anytime soon!!!
Well, its time for me to sleep. I’ve spent a lot of this weekend in anxiety, tears, and anger.
Much love <3